Things you probably didn't want to know about airline safety

I'm kind of glad I didn't read The Economist's take on what a truthful pre-flight safety spiel might sound like before my recent trans-Atlantic vacation. Especially this part:

In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.