U.S. President George W. Bush had this to say about the death of Bob Hope: "Today America lost a great citizen. Bob Hope made us laugh. He lifted our spirits. Bob Hope served our nation." Is it just me, or does this sound like an essay written by a third-grader who's just learning to form proper sentences?

Monkey invasion!

More things I learned from watching daytime television: if your mate cheats on you, you should take them on TV and show them fake videos of you cheating on them to make them see the error of their ways.

On a similar note, new research published in the Journal of Sex Research indicates that women are more likely than men to lie about their sex lives. The number of sexual partners a woman reported nearly doubled when they thought they were hooked up to a lie detector, while men's answers did not vary significantly. Terri Fisher of Ohio State University, one of the researchers, suggests that women appeared to feel under pressure to meet social expectations for their sexual behaviour and were afraid of being labelled as whores. Well, obviously. Did you really need a psychological study to tell you that?

Good news, guys: new research from the Cancer Council Victoria in Australia shows that frequent masturbation could protect against prostate cancer. While previous studies indicated that a high frequency of sexual intercourse raised the risk of prostate cancer, the Australian researchers found that the more men ejaculate between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to develop prostate cancer. Looks like you're better off solo, boys. The greatest protective effect occurs in a man's twenties - those who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. The research team speculates that frequent ejaculation flushes carcinogens from the prostate gland. So why are you still reading this when there's an internet full of smut to explore?

It's Hipster Bingo! I suspect that if you took this to the Aloha Room on a Saturday night, you'd have a bingo within about ten seconds. Five if you played it Canadian-style and replaced Miller High Life with 50. Goddamn trucker hats.

Lord of the Rings fans beware: watching The Two Towers could cause deep vein thrombosis, similar to "economy class syndrome." A woman in New Zealand was treated for a blood clot in her leg, which is believed to have formed the previous day while she was watching the film. No word yet on whether she plans to sue Peter Jackson for making the movie so goddamn long.

Donna Upson, one of the candidates in Ottawa's upcoming mayoral election has received funding from the Klan. "I think that what they're doing is very good. I think that they're trying to keep the races separate and pure. They're not a hate group," she told a CBC correspondent. Upson, who says she's running on a "socialist platform," has also received funding from the National Socialist Movement, which bills itself as "the largest Nazi party in the United States." Maybe they'll have the mayoral debates on Jerry Springer...

Coming soon to a grocery store near you: eggvertising! No, seriously. It's already been done in Australia, Israel and the US. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it's a pretty ludicrous example of the lengths marketers will go to to find new means of shoving ads in our faces. Then again, maybe it'll be profitable enough that we can finally stop subsidizing the egg industry.

Things I learned from watching Montel Williams: it is illegal to give a tattoo in the state of South Carolina.

New research from Spain's Direccion General De Trafico and the Universidad Compultense in Madrid shows that thinking and driving is dangerous. Involved or heated conversations, either with a passenger or on a hands-free cellphone, were also found to be distracting to the point of compromising driving safety. Go figure.

In case you were wondering, here's how to use Japanese toilets. One thing that isn't clear, on account of the naked and genital-free boy in the illustrations (rather akin to Love Is, the comic strip about two naked eight year-olds who are married), is where exactly your pants are supposed to go in the "Japanese style" squatting toilets.

The latest sensation in musical theatre to hit London's West End is (drumroll) ... Jerry Springer - The Opera! The BBC reports that the show, which features tap-dancing Ku Klux Klan members and a chorus chanting four-letter words, has been a huge hit. Susannah Clapp of The Observer notes, "'Three nipple cousin-fucker' rings round the auditorium like a hallelujah." Coming soon to a theater near you, undoubtedly.

On a related note, two aspiring film composers have created Silence of the Lambs: The Musical. The album features such rousing numbers as "Are You About a Size 14?" and "Put the Fucking Lotion in the Basket".

The Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario issued a trampoline warning after treating more than 50 kids with trampoline related injuries in the past year. Tramampoline! According to the director of CHEO's trauma program, one of the reasons children get hurt is that they have immature judgement. Who would have thought trampolines could be dangerous? Previous CHEO news bulletins include Keeping Baby's Head Shapely and There is Never a Good Reason to Shake a Baby.

Rest in peace, Barry White.

Mmmm, giant blob.

Update: It might be an octopus.

Further update: Or maybe it's just the degraded remains of a whale.